Thursday, March 18, 2010

(More Tired Old) Holiday News- Part Three New Year, New Me

J & I had a fabulous New Year. On the eve we had a couple over to celebrate our engagement with us. They brought champagne and a gorgeous handmade ceramic vase as engagement gifts.We took pictures and laughed and hugged, and everything felt just perfect.

After a while we all went to another friend’s house for a house warming/ New Year’s Eve party. I wore a skintight dress my sister had given me ten years or more ago to show off my new shape.
I think I have only ever worn this dress once before; (although I adore it and try it on a few times a year.) But it is a funny thing—ever since I became pregnant I have felt so free! I wear pretty much anything I feel like wearing these days. And I feel fabulously beautiful in it all!
I wore a feather boa out to a birthday dinner for a friend at a Japanese steakhouse a couple weeks ago. Other people wore nice things—it was a celebration after all— but I was by far the most flamboyantly dressed. One woman remarked that she loved boas but never thought about wearing them except as dress-up, like on Halloween. I said, “I just didn’t feel like wearing a sweater tonight, and when I put this on it just felt right, so I went with it.”
I’ve been “just going with” other things too. Scarves around my head, around my waist, around my neck. More vibrant colors like oranges, yellows, and reds. I experiment with new ways of wearing make-up. I let my hair be more wild. I feel so natural, relaxed, and confident. I love it!
So I got dressed for this party in a dress that I have felt too fat in when I still had a waist, silver shoes I haven’t worn since I was twenty-three, and in a homemade necklace of sequins that I made on the spur of the moment. Why not? I didn’t agonize over how my body looked, or whether my necklace was silly. I felt voluptuous. And glittery. And ready to put in my best effort to stay up past midnight!
And stay up I did. I ate sausage hoagies and cookies for hours without the slightest worry that my belly might bulge. (What freedom!) I danced with abandon. I drank cranberry juice with tonic and didn’t miss boozing my friends even the slightest bit. Friends and strangers alike remarked how good I looked. And some of them didn’t even know I was pregnant!
Why did I deny myself this freedom for so long? Why did it take pregnancy to liberate me from self-consciousness, shyness, and self-doubt? Does it even matter now? Will this new attitude last? Will I be fearless and self-confident as a mother too? Or will the courage I have newly discovered slip out of me with the birth of my child?
I say a little prayer that it does not.


  1. Wow child, We've been telling you forever how truly gorgeous you are. You've always been able to put anything on and look great. There will be moments of doubt, but motherhood does give you more confidence (at least me) and selg-assurance. Or at least that is the face you present to your children and by acting it, you become it.

  2. I'm so glad to hear you are feeling more confident - I never could understand how you could NOT. You are smart, beautiful, creative, funny - what's not to feel confident about? If my experience is any example, I think you will continue to be less inhibited as you progress along the road of motherhood. Dressing up in costumes in public - yup, I do that. Never when I was single and not a mom, but now, I'd do it at the drop of a hat. While being a parent has its challenges, one of the things I love is the permission to act like a kid with your kids. Why did we ever STOP acting that way?